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03:46pm 13/08/2004
  well shit this journal has a new owner and its me....  
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06:21pm 04/08/2003
  this is gone.

I have a new username.

<3 add me and stuff
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make fools into heros   
04:48pm 03/08/2003
  this is really hard. Its coming down on me. I hate the fact that i feel like he doesnt care that im gone. Its so fucking hard because im trying to say forget it, the one i thought i knew would never do this to me. It's still tearing me apart. Maybe you are jsut caught up in your life right now, and you are getting self involved. I tell myself that a lot because it makes me feel better about the situation. And I think its really bad when i try to apologize, and you just say ok, or dont respond. Its relieving though, because thats one of those things you always do. I just dont know whta to do because ill feel fucking weak if i give in. I want to forget you in so many ways, but when i think into it i dont want to lose the friendship. But then.. the questions come to mind like "why would you want to be friends with someone who doesnt care?", "why do you want to be friends with someone who only cares about himself?", "why do you want to be friends with someone who wasnt there for you when you needed him most" or "who dislikes you because your friends arent up to his par?"

Im just about to breakdown.I dont care if im being a drama queen. you have no idea.

Today we had a pj party. me colin and manda. watched movies.made a fucking fort! go to mandas journal to see pictures ate cookie dough and made brownie sundaes. it was cute. I saw john becher. which is amazing. I miss him. Hopefully ill hear from him soon.

tomorrow is joeys birthday. and i dont really know what to do about that. hell be grown up :[ and it makes me really sad.

John came over and did gay poses on the bed.


I found aarons art conspiracy site.
Ive been tihnking about him a lot lately.
of course its sad, but im afraid the anger will come back.
and ill hate him for doing this to everyone who cared about him.

Maybe i should go visit him.
since i didnt attend the funeral.
Maybe that will make things better for me.

i need closure with too many things in my life.
but this is on the top of the list.
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05:43pm 02/08/2003
  even though i have really good friends right now sometimes i feel like i cant compete. and i cant really. because its will never be the same with me as it is for you two. and thats sad. but i cant change that.

britt ran into the back of my car today. it was awesome.
i wore her skull scarf deal. to the movie. to show my pirate spirit.
got prepared for that shit.
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02:35pm 02/08/2003
  Last night we had a slumber party. Tay colin manda jerry and i. Saw lots of people alst night. We went to panera and spent my 15 dollars on a big ass meal for me and manda. Anddd then went to see scooter play. Chris short was there. And britt met us up there. How i miss her. She went shopping, so were having a clothes trade soon.

Jerrys house was silly. him and chris rapped and jerry wore gross outfits. Ryan and catie were with us too. i love them. And George and matt stopped by.

Anyways today britt got of restriction so me and manda and her and tay and jerry and maybe colin? are going to the movies. yay.

I have a lot of pictures to put on here. We've found a lot of license plates. Im hungry. I think when i leave mandas ill eat... something nice. If i could find it. the end.
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so crazy right now   
06:27pm 31/07/2003
  so last night was rilo kiley. me and manda got up early got hair dye, with her bed head. searched for those blakc flip flops. failed. dyed hair. im back to black.

Then i swear it looked like real world or something we were getting ready in one bathroom with like curling irons and shit everywhere. then we ironed in the hallway. it was cute.super cute. we got dressed up. got colin. Went to the mall found those flip flops. and went to panera. borders. found some nice license plates.

THe show was good. Rilo kiley did really good, we left sorta early. its cool though im just upset they didnt play the frug :[ butt we always end up near odd dancers. and this group of dudes started to dance so i had to join in on that shit for real. They made my day. I met Alex! that was nice. ry catie and tay left early. that sucks they didnt even get to see rilo and had to pay:[jenny is cute. :[

me and manda had a fiesta at like 2 am at the burchmart and got food and made shirley temples.jerry had fun at warped tour which is good. i love him. and miss him.

this morning me and manda woke up and went to britts. Shes going crazy. were all going crazy. It was fun. i miss her like crazy. cant wait till she gets home from that trip junks. me and manda met up with mike.

im waiting for jerry to call now. if he does.i really hope so. i miss him and i want to sleep. itd be better if hed come here and be lazy with me.


ok. so this is sad and dissapointing. im tired of waiting so ill just sleep in fear of getting upset.
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waht have you heard   
01:45am 30/07/2003
  i've missed this song.
so today me and manda and john went to arundle mills to meet up with mike.
shopped. and i watched.
i did get new head bands and barettes from wal mart later though.
black flip flops have dissapeared forever.

i also got to see jerry. i <3 him
we didnt get to stick together too long.
but it was nice still.
Ryan was with him. I love ryan too. and ive missed him
he was super cute today. and his hair is getting longer!
haha. aw i miss ryan and jerry.
I want to go to ryans room and sleep on the bunk bed! and watch tv and have ryan complain about being bored.
and i miss catie too. god. I miss them, i miss our double dates.
can we have one soon? please.

tomorrow is rilo kiley.
its a busy day for me and amanda.
we gots lots to do.
and we have to find flip flops.
have to.
there are so many shows coming up. i read colins journal and mogwai is coming.
my hair is going to be black tomorrow. good.

i also uploaded random shit. so here.
jonathans car

thats how we roll in the rain.

andd more to add to the dy4ice collection

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12:38am 29/07/2003
  i dont like how you talk about him. seriously.. you should stop because it makes me feel like throwing up.

love you.

tomorrow isnt looking to fun fo reaal.
joey. ryan. get in touch with me about rilo. i bought the tickets today.

no one can.. or wants to go to q and not u on the 7th.
me and manda went shopping today.
i got a skirt, a shirt, and the marilyn sweater jess has but in black and white. bitch its true.

i also got a culture club record, and a thing im making into a purse.
me and manda found the hottest spot for baby barettes but its secret.
I miss britt she sent this cute email to us last night. love you girl.
i think tomorrow i should catch up on sleep.
i want to see jeremiah though. and to be couple like cause we havent in a while.
i want to call his gross names lil angel boy.. he called me muffin the other day. it was gross.

still havent spoken to greg, i really hope he doesnt call.
he makes my body hurt.

hair dye tomorrow. itll be a party.
i found two new license plates today! you know you are jealous.
i found one that said nekbraker or some shit. haha.
but the picture didnt work. which sucks.
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nice try   
12:44pm 28/07/2003
  Last night mike from the blood bros show came to waldorf. We played at the satellites. it was scurry. beyond scurry. It was nice though, im just happy we did something instead sit around. hope he had fun, he was super nice. and can dance .. and wheres good jeans.we also played twister.which was amazing like always. Manda and i were up late. Then woke up early so i could see jerry before band practice.

He has a show in jersey on the 7th now. :[ i miss him. the 7th is q and not u. someone lets go?

Sat and watched jerry sleep then made him wake up so we could eat. eck i really wish hed get sleeping more so when i did see him he wouldnt sleep all day.<3! he told me i was pretty today when i was gross. and dirty from no shower. durger is the bomb. I really just hope recording gets done soon and these shows get them where they want.

No show today. its raining.
i think ill read all day
finish some books up you know.
but yeah. i have pictures but i have to upload them. word.
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you seem to love me now.   
03:54am 27/07/2003
  tennis like what.

partied in the parking lot of the movie theater.
drove a lot.
used chick fil a coupons
found transportation to dismemberment plan
watched the boys makes digereidisos.
saw colinconor!
watched lovely and amazing.
visited erik
i say today was eventful.

I dont want to get upset about it. but its hard. I cant help but get angry sometimes. I understand the priorities in your life but it hurts when you say youre doing one thing, then plans change and instead of calling and saying youre free you hang out with the people you see everyday. Its very fucking frustrating because i want to see you, and i rarely do for more than two hours or so ever so often. i want this to fix. because i love you.. and i wish that you would have fun with me. and tell me that im exhausting. oh rilo. i want those secret kisses. those little presents you would make, and the cards just to show you cared, and for you to draw hearts on my hand. and look at me.. and hug me whenever possible like you used to. i feel like im drowning you, because i want to take so much in.. and you just act like im a friend. i want to be everything you want and i feel really fucking far from that right now.

and its a horrible feeling.
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if you want me to follow   
01:25am 26/07/2003
  i just made amanda and britt a present.
today i saw jerry. <3 and joey.
me and manda worked. my car is fixed! thats good.
im talking to that boy we danced with. the one with nice jeans.
that excites me and makes me happy.

i uploaded some pictures so here...
whoaCollapse )

also greg called me today. Hes mad at me because we havent talked all week. but he didnt call me either? i dont know why i cant just go "fuck you greg" I have this fear of telling him that. Or losing him. But i really think itd be simpler with him out of my life, Hes not looking for whats best for me. He was the one who said he didnt feel like driving to waldorf, and like he has to be a cunt about it all and be all sarcastic like "great talking to you". Eck. I didnt call him back tonight. and i dont think i will ever agian. Hes doing nothing but ruining me.
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is it that obvious   
12:49am 25/07/2003
  i want to leave.
i want to be able to drop everything and go, but i dont know whats holding me back anymore.
Today was really lonely.
even though amanda was with me the whole time.
I feel empty lately.

I dont know how to deal with this. I want to say forget it.
and end it while im ahead.
because youll just keep hurting me, my expectations i thought up werent what you really were.
and thats not your fault at all. but i expected more from the both of us.
i just care too much.
and i know its not returned.
Im stuck on the past, and the boy i knew who hated the person hes become.
Its sad.

Me, Tay, Colin and amanda are now going to rilo kiley instead of warped tour. Much better i say. Im excited. I do have pictures from the past few days but ill upload them later.
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02:32pm 23/07/2003
  me and amanda need something to do today.
any ideas?

I wanted to see jerry.
and watch the blood bros. dvd. but like i told him.
he hasnt called yet and records at 5 or something.

i had a dream about lance.
it was weird.


Today = chick fil a. colin manda jerry. mellwood. borders. edward scissorhands.
i need gas money. :[
im lonely today it sucks.
and i saw the best license plate ever. i have a picture
but i left my camera in my car. cause i suck.

im talking to BRIAN and i think hes nice.
and i wish he wouldnt be mean to me sometimes.
the end
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04:16pm 22/07/2003
  ok so many pictures.

where is love nowCollapse )

today me and manda followed the ice cream man. dorchester =no.
rolled wit da high bills and stallion ciggarettes.

went to wakefield. left a note. then to the satellites. i had never been there. thorsen jerry spud and catie were there too. and we went in the satellite. well not spud cause hes scared. but it was nice. always hold onto memories. blood suckers forever. you know?

then we went to sakura for sushi! and to the movies to see some stupid action deal. i didnt like it much but it was silly to see jerry laugh so much. i luh him. tomorrow, me and amanda are hoping to find the blood brothers dvd.

brittany, we missed you <3 love you.
ride together die together.
got grounded for your girls!
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earn points.   
02:43pm 22/07/2003
  basically. last night was amazing.
blood bros. werent as good as i expected. but that dance disaster band.
holy hell.

no sleepover like expected but.
we still danced to jock jams
met boys on the beltwayy.. woord you know how we roll.
these boys werent ricos though.
the driver was beautiful.
we danced with boys again haha. um yeah. manda did hardcore and got on top of a pyramid.
and britt danced on stage with dance disaster.
you know flaunted her junk.

the only downfall was jerrys absence.
wish you could have come darling.
we could have had lots more fun with jerrys company.
i lu you.

john brookbank just drove by in his ice cream truck.
man waldorf has the most beautiful ice cream men now.
i went to mandas yesterday and passed one. so nice.

i lost my designer glasses.
not in my car.
heart = broken.
tonight me manda tay jerry<3 charissa and josh are getting sushi.
you know.. salad.

pictures later when the girls get them uploaded.

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i guess we really blew it this time thea.   
01:07am 21/07/2003
  god. i love for keeps.
its on right now.
it makes me think of jerry cause hed watch it when i would tell him to.
and it makes me want to get pregnant and married.

i love you.

today was olde town with serj stephi and katie.
i love them all.
tomorrow is dress up and blood bros.

look at the shows coming up.

jul 30-warped tour/ rilo kiley
aug 7- q and not u -free
aug 8-dtown repruhhseent
aug 11- new amsterdams <3
aug 12- mae, armor for sleep
aug 18- reggie
aug 22-q and not u
sept 5- q and not u
sept 8-juliana theory/hopesfall

tell me why the sex pistols are playing in dc.?
be my babyCollapse )
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01:32am 20/07/2003
  ok seriously i dont think i can put into words how happy i am at this moment.
i seriously love the girls more than ever right now.
were following the boys to blood bros. on monday. yes tight pants and hot hot.
We are bringing the singing machines. making that shit a tradition.
also, q and not u!! and.. reggie for free. and sexual favors.

Today i saw amanda. i love her. and i missed her. we just got slurpees and talked about things.
i hope everything works out.
i dont want no more drama.

Stephi and sergio came here! yes i love them both.
tomorrow me steph katie and sergio are going to oldetown and so are manda and britt.
we talked about anal sex and fun things.

also i love jerry.
hes making me the happiest girl right now.
and yes! im excited cause ill see him soon.
recording is lame and so is bennigans. miss you.
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do you love me?   
11:30pm 18/07/2003
yesterday it seems far away.
and this time i wont take the chance at all.
so take this chance away
on our anniversary

he fixed me.Collapse )

so hot hot heat was on conan. thanks colinconnor. So good made me think of mah gurls.!
and greg was right venus as a boy can for sure seduce some girls.
i love it more than anything right now. well almost you know

also i want to go to blood brothers.? anyone down
boredomCollapse )
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break me down.   
08:40am 17/07/2003
i remember when you'd say i was pretty when i cried.
id be fucking gorgeous to you now.

you still had the necklace and rings in that picture.
"you know the thing with movies like this is, no boy will ever be that way. Hell never play the perfect song on the perfect night. Girls like you convince themselves that this is real life, and honey real life is nothing like a john cusack movie. nothing."
Imincrediblylame: if he ever really loved you, it wouldn't just stop it would always be there
Imincrediblylame: it doesn't stop, and if it does, it wasnt' real. Considering all of that, you shouldn't want to be with someone that thinks like he does anyways

im so incredibly sick of hearing this.

How much do i love john and catie for making me feel better today. I watched say anything today, and edward scissorhands. I should watch bedknobs and broomsticks. something upbeat. I layed in my bed till john got here and i went and saw jerry. I dont know. I wish i could be like that.

I didnt want to move but casey and catie came over and she gave me tapes, and we went to her house to watch dancer in the dark. It really disturbed me. too much i felt sick afterwards. Greg has been the only person who has put effort into trying to help me. and im so thankful. The fact that hes putting the arguments and tension behind him because i he knows i need him makes me so grateful. At least well stay good friends.

i am happy that things are becoming better for my friends. When everyone can smile again im sure it will be easier for me too.

I dont mean to say things or write things to make you upset. Its how im dealing with this. I dont know how itll help but i need this. I want you to be happy, and i understand that i dont make you happy anymore. I cant pretend that i do anymore either. I just hope shes everything you need.

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make sure she knows   
11:59pm 16/07/2003
  i think its great that you dont want to hurt me. and you claim to care about me so much..
then you are the biggest dick to me.

god why do i fucking love you?

i took the bracelet off and the ring.
why did i even have them on anyways

i just dont know what to do now.
everything i had set in my head has crashed down
he wont even call anymore
unless i ask him. and he didnt even do that today.
i dont know. why the fuck am i being put through this
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