this is really hard. Its coming down on me. I hate the fact that i feel like he doesnt care that im gone. Its so fucking hard because im trying to say forget it, the one i thought i knew would never do this to me. It's still tearing me apart. Maybe you are jsut caught up in your life right now, and you are getting self involved. I tell myself that a lot because it makes me feel better about the situation. And I think its really bad when i try to apologize, and you just say ok, or dont respond. Its relieving though, because thats one of those things you always do. I just dont know whta to do because ill feel fucking weak if i give in. I want to forget you in so many ways, but when i think into it i dont want to lose the friendship. But then.. the questions come to mind like "why would you want to be friends with someone who doesnt care?", "why do you want to be friends with someone who only cares about himself?", "why do you want to be friends with someone who wasnt there for you when you needed him most" or "who dislikes you because your friends arent up to his par?"
Im just about to breakdown.I dont care if im being a drama queen. you have no idea.
Today we had a pj party. me colin and manda. watched movies.made a fucking fort! go to mandas journal to see pictures ate cookie dough and made brownie sundaes. it was cute. I saw john becher. which is amazing. I miss him. Hopefully ill hear from him soon.
tomorrow is joeys birthday. and i dont really know what to do about that. hell be grown up :[ and it makes me really sad.
John came over and did gay poses on the bed.
I found aarons art conspiracy site. Ive been tihnking about him a lot lately. of course its sad, but im afraid the anger will come back. and ill hate him for doing this to everyone who cared about him.
Maybe i should go visit him. since i didnt attend the funeral. Maybe that will make things better for me.
i need closure with too many things in my life. but this is on the top of the list.